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Radical Relationship
Transformation
Shira Hearn
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
#2022045023
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/Letters to Your Reluctant Spouse
WHEN ONE OF YOU WANTS HELP
Letters to Your
Reluctant Spouse
You’re ready for therapy.
They’re not coming.
And somehow, asking for help has become another thing you fight
about. These letters give you a place to start when you’re tired of trying
to find the words.
Find a letter that sounds like you
↓
START WITH WHAT MATTERS
“I miss us.
And I don’t know how to get us back on our own.”
You can be honest about needing help and leave
room for their answer.
FOUR WAYS TO BEGIN
Choose the letter that fits.
Start with the concern your partner has actually named. Keep what feels true. Change anything that
doesn’t sound like you.
All four letters appear below. You can select and copy the text you want to use.
01
Calm & reassuring
They’re worried about being blamed.
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02
Direct & practical
They want to know what would
change.
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03
Warm & honest
You miss each other and feel stuck.
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04
For the skeptic
They doubt therapy can help.
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One honest message is enough for a
beginning. You don’t need to send all four.
LETTER 01 · REASSURING
A little less bracing for a fight.
Could we try this together?
I want to try therapy with you. I know that when I bring it up, it can sound like I’ve
already decided you’re the problem. I want you to have room to tell your side, too.
I want a place where both of us get to say what has been hard, including the things I
haven’t understood about your experience. I’m willing to look at what I do when we
get stuck.
I miss being able to talk without wondering how badly it will go. What we’ve been
trying hasn’t gotten us where we want to be, and I would like some help.
Would you be willing to look at a therapist with me and consider one appointment?
We can bring our questions and decide together whether to continue.
You don’t have to answer right now. I want to hear what worries you about it.
Add your own greeting and sign-off before sending.
LETTER 02 · PRACTICAL
A clear ask. Room for questions.
Can we try something different?
We keep having the same argument. Then things settle down, we get on with our
week, and nothing really changes. I’m tired of that, and I wonder whether you are,
too.
I want us to try couples therapy with someone who can help us see where these
conversations go wrong and work through them while they’re happening.
I know time and money matter. Before we book anything, we can look at the cost,
what a session involves, and what we would each want help with.
Would you be willing to choose a therapist with me and try an appointment? We can
ask questions about the approach and talk about whether it feels useful before
deciding what comes next.
I’m willing to do my part. I want to know whether you’re willing to try this with me.
Add your own greeting and sign-off before sending.
LETTER 03 · HONEST
Say the part underneath the frustration.
I miss feeling close to you.
I miss you. We can be in the same room all evening and I still feel far away from you.
When I bring up therapy, I think the part that gets lost is how much I want us to feel
close again. I don’t always say that well. Sometimes it comes out as frustration
because I’m scared that this is becoming our normal.
I want to know what this has been like for you, too. I want us to have help staying
with that conversation when we would usually get defensive or give up.
Would you consider going with me? You can be unsure. I am, too. I would like us to
find someone we can both talk to and see whether working together helps.
You matter to me. I miss being us.
Add your own greeting and sign-off before sending.
LETTER 04 · SKEPTICAL
Your questions belong in the room.
You don’t have to be sold on therapy.
I know you don’t expect much from therapy. I’m asking you to consider it anyway.
If you’re worried that it will be awkward, expensive, or another appointment spent
having the same fight, I want us to talk about that before we book anything. If
there’s been a bad experience before, I want that taken seriously.
I want someone who works with couples to help us understand the pattern we keep
falling into and see whether we can do something different. We should both have a
say in who that person is.
Would you be willing to look at the approach with me, ask the questions you need to
ask, and decide whether to try an appointment?
I care about what you think. I also need you to know that continuing exactly as we are is
hard for me.
Add your own greeting and sign-off before sending.
Before you press
send.
A little care with how it lands.
01 · MAKE IT YOURS
Only keep what’s true.
Use words you would actually say. Add one
thing you miss about being together. Delete any
promise you cannot honestly make.
02 · CHOOSE THE MOMENT
Wait until the fight is over.
Send it when there is room to read it. A
midnight text after an argument has a lot
working against it.
03 · LEAVE SOME ROOM
Let them have an answer.
Give them time. When you talk, ask what
concerns them about getting help and listen
before you make your case again.
Shira Hearn, LMFT
Couples are my whole practice.
TO THE PARTNER WHO ISN’T CONVINCED
You get a voice here.
If someone sent you this page, you might already feel outnumbered. You’re allowed to have
questions. You’re allowed to be skeptical. And I want to hear your experience in your own
words.
I work with couples using Emotionally Focused Therapy. We look closely at what happens
when you lose each other in a conversation, and I help you slow it down enough to
understand what each of you is trying to say.
That includes being direct about choices that have caused hurt. Both of you need room to
speak honestly, and both of you need to be willing to take part.
See how EFT works
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THE QUESTIONS UNDERNEATH THE ASK
What if they
still say no?
You can make an honest invitation. You
cannot supply someone else’s willingness.
What if the letter doesn’t change their mind?−
That does not mean you found the wrong words. Ask whether they are willing
to talk about what is behind the no. You can be clear about what you need, and
you do not have to keep rewriting the invitation indefinitely.
An individual therapist can help you think through your needs, boundaries,
and next steps while your partner decides whether to participate.
Do we both have to believe therapy will work?−
You can start with different levels of hope. What matters is that both of you
freely agree to attend and are willing to participate. Bring the doubts with you;
we can talk about them.
Can I come to RRT by myself first?−
My practice is exclusively for couples, and both partners attend appointments.
If your partner is not willing to come, individual support with another
therapist can give you a place to work through what you need.
Here is what couples therapy here is like.
You can contact me with questions about getting started.
What if we tried couples therapy before?−
Tell me what happened, what felt unhelpful, and what you would need to feel
comfortable trying again. A previous bad experience deserves a real
conversation.
You can read about the approach I use before deciding whether it sounds like a
fit.
WHEN YOU’RE BOTH WILLING
You can start with
a cautious yes.
You do not need matching levels of enthusiasm. If you both agree
to come, choose a time you can attend together. Bring your
questions.
$180 100–110 minutes
In person near Joplin & Webb City
Self-pay · Both partners attend
Schedule an appointment
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Text Shira
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Email Shira
Radical Relationship
Transformation
Shira Hearn, LMFT
Missouri license #2022045023
IN PERSON, CLOSE TO HOME
2830 Mt. Hope Rd.
Webb City, MO 64870
On the border of Webb City & Joplin.
LET’S START HERE
417-768-9089
Marriage Counseling in Joplin, MO
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