Book Review: “Created for Connection” by Dr. Sue Johnson with Kenneth Sanderfer

A Christian Framework for Healing Love Through Emotional Connection

Few relationship books manage to be both scientifically grounded and spiritually resonant. Created for Connection: The Hold Me Tight Guide for Christian Couples by Dr. Sue Johnson and Kenneth Sanderfer achieves this rare balance. It is the faith-based companion to Johnson’s landmark work Hold Me Tight and adapts her Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) model—one of the most empirically supported methods for couples counseling—through the lens of Christian attachment and grace.

As Johnson writes early in the book:

“Forget about learning how to argue better, analyzing your early childhood, or making grand romantic gestures. Instead, get to the emotional underpinnings of your relationship by recognizing that you are attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent, and we are on the Heavenly Father, for nurturing, soothing, and protection.”

This single passage captures the heart of the book: love is not a mystery to solve, but a bond to nurture.

Why This Book Matters

The book begins with a reminder that romantic love is a biological and spiritual necessity, not an optional luxury. Johnson emphasizes that emotional responsiveness—being able to reach, respond, and engage—is the foundation of secure connection. When that bond frays, couples fall into negative cycles of protest, withdrawal, or criticism that mask deeper fears of abandonment.

She writes:

“When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause. It is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness.”

In an age of self-help quick fixes and “communication hacks,” Created for Connection offers something deeper: a call to restore emotional trust through vulnerability, attunement, and forgiveness—anchored in both psychological science and Christian faith.

The Seven Conversations for Connection

At the book’s core are seven transforming conversations, the same relational road map that underlies EFT. These conversations are not scripts but emotional processes designed to help couples move from isolation to closeness, from disconnection to safety.

Each conversation offers both a psychological and a spiritual dimension—reflecting how Created for Connection uniquely ties human love to divine love.

1. Recognizing the Demon Dialogues

Couples learn to identify the repetitive patterns that trap them—like “Find the Bad Guy,” “Protest Polka,” or “Freeze and Flee.” The goal is to name the cycle, not blame the person.

“It’s never you or me against each other—it’s us against the cycle.”

This reframing alone can transform a hostile dynamic into a united front. Spiritually, it echoes Ephesians 6:12—our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the forces that divide us.

2. Finding the Raw Spots

These are emotional bruises from past hurts—times we felt unseen, rejected, or alone. Johnson defines a raw spot as:

“A hypersensitivity formed by moments when an attachment need has been repeatedly neglected, ignored, or dismissed.”

When partners understand each other’s raw spots, compassion replaces defensiveness. In Christian language, this becomes an act of grace—seeing the wound rather than the weapon.

3. Revisiting a Rocky Moment

Here, couples learn to revisit a fight or hurt without getting swept away by it. The purpose is repair and emotional ownership, not re-litigation.

“We can only begin to heal when we dare to look at the moments that broke us.”

This conversation mirrors the spiritual practice of confession and reconciliation: returning to a moment of fracture and seeking healing through empathy and forgiveness.

4. Hold Me Tight

Perhaps the most moving conversation, “Hold Me Tight” is about reaching for your partner in vulnerability—expressing fear, longing, and need without shame.

“Love is a constant process of tuning in, connecting, missing, and finding each other again. It’s a dance of emotional responsiveness.”

In EFT, this is the turning point where couples often rediscover emotional safety. For Christian couples, it’s a moment that mirrors divine love—unconditional, steadfast, and redemptive.

5. Forgiving Injuries

Johnson writes that forgiveness isn’t forgetting, excusing, or minimizing—it’s the process of re-establishing trust.

“Forgiveness is not a one-time event but a pathway we walk together, again and again.”

This echoes the biblical model of forgiveness—grace extended not because someone deserves it, but because love demands wholeness over score-keeping.

6. Bonding Through Sex and Touch

Physical intimacy is re-framed not as performance or duty but as a sacred expression of emotional safety.

“Great sex is an emotional dance—a synchrony of responsiveness and openness.”

For Christian readers, this section is refreshingly free of shame; it situates sexuality as a reflection of divine design for closeness, not a source of guilt.

7. Keeping Your Love Alive

The final conversation focuses on sustaining connection over time—through open dialogue, shared faith, and emotional responsiveness.

“Love is not a feeling to be maintained, but a connection to be renewed daily.”

It’s both a relational and spiritual discipline: staying attuned even as life changes, stresses increase, and seasons shift.

Strengths of the Book

• Integration of Science and Scripture: Johnson’s grounding in attachment theory gives credibility; Sanderfer’s theological insights give depth. Together, they create a framework that speaks to heart and mind.

• Accessible and Relatable: The case studies feel authentic. Couples can see themselves in the examples without shame or judgment.

• Emotionally Transformative: The book doesn’t teach “communication skills”—it teaches emotional presence.

• Spiritually Restorative: The integration of faith invites readers to see love as sacred work—an echo of divine relationship.

Critiques and Considerations

While exceptional, Created for Connection assumes a shared Christian worldview. Couples from different faith backgrounds or secular perspectives may prefer the original Hold Me Tight. Also, the early chapters on attachment science can feel dense for casual readers—but for therapists and emotionally curious couples, they are invaluable.

Another point: Johnson’s approach demands courage. It requires partners to sit in discomfort, face their fears, and take emotional risks. As one reviewer observed:

“This is not a quick-fix book—it’s a transformation process.”

Why Therapists and Couples Should Read It

For clinicians, Created for Connection bridges the gap between empirically validated therapy and spiritual formation. It equips Christian couples with a map for bonding that is both emotionally intelligent and biblically congruent.

For couples, it offers a clear path back to safety and trust—not by changing each other, but by rediscovering how to be emotionally reachable.

As Johnson writes:

“The drama of love is all about this hunger for safe emotional connection, a survival imperative we experience from the cradle to the grave.”

That sentence may well summarize the entire premise of attachment science, faith, and the gospel of love.

Final Thoughts

Created for Connection is not a book you read once—it’s one you practice. Its stories, reflections, and structured dialogues provide a roadmap for healing and deepening love. For Christian couples, it anchors relationship repair in both neuroscience and faith. For therapists, it is a model of integrative practice that honors emotional science and spiritual truth.

Verdict: ★★★★★ (5/5)A deeply moving, research-based, and faith-anchored guide that brings God, attachment, and love into the same conversation—right where they belong.