How to help your partner when they pull away

In many relationships, one partner tends to pursue — leaning in, asking questions, pushing for connection — while the other tends to withdraw — pulling back, going quiet, or shutting down. If your partner is the withdrawer, it can feel frustrating, even lonely. You might wonder: Why won’t they just talk to me? Don’t they care?

But here’s the thing: withdrawers usually pull away not because they don’t care, but because they care so much. They fear saying the wrong thing, making conflict worse, or disappointing you. Their silence is often an attempt to keep the relationship safe, even though it doesn’t feel that way on the outside.

The good news? There are ways you can respond that make it easier for your withdrawer partner to stay engaged instead of shutting down.

What Not to Do

When you’re desperate for connection, it’s easy to turn up the volume — more questions, more intensity, more pressure. Unfortunately, this usually makes a withdrawer shut down even further.

Avoid:

• Rapid-fire questioning

• Criticism or blame

• Assuming silence means indifference

• Pushing for resolution before they’re ready

What Helps Instead

1. Slow the Pace

   Withdrawers often need time to gather their thoughts. Try pausing or softening your tone:

   “Take your time — I want to hear you when you’re ready.”

   
   

2. Reassure the Relationship

   Remind them that conflict doesn’t threaten your love:

   “I get that this is hard for you. I’m not going anywhere.”

   
   

3. Appreciate Small Step

   When your partner does share something, even if it’s brief, acknowledge it:

   “Thank you for telling me that — it means a lot.”

   
   

4. Stay Curious, Not Critical

   Instead of “Why won’t you ever talk to me?” try:

   “I know it’s hard to open up sometimes. Can you tell me what makes it feel safer for you?”

   
   

5. Repair Quickly

   If you get frustrated (and you will — you’re human), circle back:

   “I pushed too hard earlier. I know that makes it harder for you. Let’s try again.”

A Final Thought

Supporting a withdrawer doesn’t mean silencing your own needs. It means creating an environment where both of you can bring your authentic selves to the table. When withdrawers feel safe enough to speak and pursuers feel reassured enough to soften, the cycle of chasing and retreating starts to shift into a dance of closeness and balance.