Why Couples Fight More During the Holidays:

What the Research Says

The holidays are supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year,” yet for many couples, this season brings more arguments, more tension, and more emotional distance than any other time. If you’ve ever wondered why, you’re not imagining it. Research consistently shows that relationship conflict increases during periods of high stress, and the holiday season is one of the biggest stress periods of the year.

Here’s what the studies reveal — and why it matters for your relationship.

1. Family Dynamics Are One of the Biggest Sources of Holiday Conflict

A 2018 survey from the American Psychological Association found that 69% of adults experience significant holiday stress, and navigating family dynamics is one of the top triggers (APA, 2018).

Couples often fight about:

• Which family to visit

• How much time to spend with in-laws

• How to handle difficult relatives

• Expectations around traditions

The Gottman Institute notes that holiday family conflict often comes from competing attachment needs: one partner may feel obligated to their family of origin, while the other may feel abandoned or unseen (Gottman, 2020).

Translation: It’s not really about the schedule. It’s about belonging, loyalty, and emotional safety.

2. Money Stress Peaks in December — and So Do Money Fights

Money is already one of the most common relationship conflict topics year-round. During the holidays it gets magnified.

A study published in the Journal of Financial Therapy found that financial stress is strongly correlated with increased relationship conflict, especially during high-spending periods like the holidays (Archuleta et al., 2011).

Additional surveys show:

• 1 in 3 couples argue about holiday spending (SunTrust Bank, 2017)

• Gift-giving expectations often create shame, pressure, or resentment

• Overspending can activate old financial wounds

Translation: Money fights aren’t about numbers. They’re about security, responsibility, worth, and fear.

3. Time Pressure and Overload Make Couples More Reactive

The holidays bring:

• More events

• More responsibilities

• More travel

• More emotional labor

A study from the University of Nevada found that time pressure significantly increases emotional reactivity in couples, making them more likely to misinterpret or escalate interactions (Holman & Jarvis, 2003).

In other words: When you are exhausted, rushed, or overwhelmed, your capacity for empathy and patience shrinks.

Many couples say: “We’re doing a lot for the holidays… but not for each other.”

4. The “Perfect Holiday” Creates Unrealistic Expectations

Researchers describe this as expectation inflation—the belief that the holiday season should be magical, peaceful, intimate, joyful, and flawless.

A study in the Journal of Happiness Studies found that individuals who held high expectations for holiday happiness actually experienced lower well-being, more stress, and more interpersonal conflict (Jongenelen et al., 2021).

When expectations rise and reality falls short, disappointment quickly turns into blame or withdrawal.

Translation: You’re not fighting about decorations or schedules—you’re fighting about the fantasy of how things “should feel.”

5. Old Hurts Tend to Resurface Under Holiday Stress

Holiday stress doesn’t create new problems. It exposes existing ones.

Attachment theory research (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016) shows that stress triggers our default attachment behaviors:

• Pursuers pursue harder

• Withdrawers shut down faster

• Protectors overfunction

• Vulnerable partners feel overlooked

So the fight that looks like it’s about:

• the Christmas menu

• the travel plans

• the gift budget

… is often really about older emotional wounds:

• “You don’t choose me.”

• “I don’t matter.”

• “I’m alone in this.”

• “You always take their side.”

This is where Emotionally Focused Therapy shines—helping couples understand the emotional cycle underneath the holiday stress.

So What Can Couples Do?

Here are a few research-based ideas:

• Set realistic expectations together

• Decide on holiday plans as a team, not from obligation

• Talk openly about financial limits

• Protect couple time — even 20 minutes of connection lowers reactivity

• Name the emotional story behind the conflict

You don’t have to survive the holidays. You can actually use this season to grow together.

Need more help?

If the holidays bring out tension, old hurts, or distance in your relationship, you’re not alone — and you’re not broken. This is exactly the kind of work I help couples with every day.

If you’re ready to feel close again, I’m here.

Call or text 417-768-9089

Shira@radicalrelationshiptransformation.com

Serving Joplin, Webb City, Carthage, Neosho, and surrounding communities.

References (Cited in Blog)

American Psychological Association. (2018). Stress in America Survey.Archuleta, K. L., Dale, A., & Spann, S. M. (2011). “Financial satisfaction and financial stress.” Journal of Financial Therapy. Gottman Institute. (2020). Holiday Conflict & Expectations. Holman, T. B., & Jarvis, M. O. (2003). “Time strain and relationship quality.” Journal of Family Issues. Jongenelen, M. M. et al. (2021). “Holiday expectations and happiness levels.” Journal of Happiness Studies. Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change.