A Therapist Can Say They Use EFT. What Does That Actually Mean?

I was the only therapist in the room who said I use EFT exclusively.

This week, I was at a conference with a room full of therapists. When the question came up, almost half said they use Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT. But they also listed the other methods they use with couples, including liberation-oriented therapy, Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy, and psychodynamic and object relations approaches.

Those are different ways of understanding what is happening in a relationship and what the therapist should do about it. They do not all lead the therapist to make the same move in the same moment.

That became even clearer when we broke into small groups for demonstrations and role-plays. I watched people who had said they use EFT respond to couples in ways I would not recognize as EFT. Then, in my own demonstration, I made a very basic EFT move, and no one else in the group could see that it was an EFT move.

I cannot tell you how any one of them practices from a short exercise. But I left with a concern. It tells me there are a lot of people out there who say they use EFT and do not know what it really is. A therapist can say they use EFT without EFT actually guiding the work.

In EFT, I am watching the pattern happening between you. One of you reaches for a conversation, but it comes out sharp because you are hurt. The other hears criticism and pulls away. Now one person feels abandoned and the other feels like nothing they do is right. Both reactions make sense when we understand what is happening underneath them, even though the pattern is hurting you both.

My job is to help you slow that down, reach the emotions driving it, and begin responding to each other differently. I am not there to appoint a winner, deliver an interpretation from above, or hand you a better script for the next argument.

This does not mean power and oppression never matter. They do. It does not mean harmful behavior should be excused because it is “part of the cycle.” It should not. And it does not mean the other approaches have nothing to offer. It means that if a therapist says they practice EFT, you should be able to see how EFT shapes what happens in the room.

So if you are looking for an EFT couples therapist, ask more than “Do you use EFT?” Ask:

• What training have you completed in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples?

• Is EFT the approach that guides your couples work, or one approach among several?

• What do you do when we start having our usual fight in session?

• How do you help both partners understand their positions without excusing hurtful behavior?

You do not need to know the answer to those questions in advance. You should be able to understand the therapist’s answer. My guide on how to choose a couples therapist has more questions like these, with my own answers.

I work with couples only, and EFT is the model that guides my work. When your familiar fight shows up in my office, we will work with what is happening between you, while it is happening. The goal is to help you recognize the pattern sooner, reach each other more clearly, and build a different way through the hard conversations.

“I use EFT” is easy to put on a website. The work in the room tells you what it means.