A man leans toward his partner on a balcony while she turns her face away.

How-To Guide: Convincing Your Spouse to Try Couples Therapy

Shira Hearn

Sep 30

5 min read

Updated: Oct 5

Home / Blog / How-To Guide: Convincing Your Spouse to Try Couples Therapy

You have brought up therapy. Your spouse has brushed it off, changed the subject, or said you should be able to work it out yourselves. Meanwhile, you are still living with the problem.

If you are wondering how to convince your spouse to go to therapy, start with a clear invitation: explain what is hurting, ask what makes them reluctant, and suggest one appointment you choose together. You can take their concerns seriously and still be honest that something needs to change.

These steps give you a way to have that conversation. They cannot make the decision for your spouse.

Step 1 Choose a time when you can both listen

Bring it up outside an argument. “We need therapy!” shouted as someone leaves the room usually lands as one more accusation.

Ask for a specific time:

“There’s something about us I want to talk about. Could we sit down after dinner tomorrow? I want us to have enough time to hear each other.”

Choose a private moment without an audience, a looming work deadline, or children listening from the next room.

Step 2 Explain what you are missing

Your spouse probably already knows you are unhappy. Help them understand what that unhappiness feels like and why you are asking for help.

“I miss feeling close to you. We keep getting into the same argument, and afterward I don’t know how to get back to you. I want help with that.”

Or:

“I’m worried about how little we talk anymore. I’ve started keeping things to myself because I expect another fight. I don’t want that to become our marriage.”

Use words you would actually say. A slightly awkward, honest sentence is enough.

Step 3 Ask what makes therapy hard to consider

“What worries you about going?” gives you more to work with than “Why won’t you just try?”

Listen before answering. Your spouse might expect to be blamed, worry about money, dislike talking to a stranger, or remember a previous therapist who did more harm than good. They might also disagree that there is a problem.

Respond to the concern they name:

“The therapist will take your side.” “I want someone who makes room for both of us. We can ask how they handle that before we choose.”
“We tried it before.” “I know that experience was discouraging. What would you need to ask a new therapist before considering it again?”
“We can’t afford it.” “Let’s look at the actual cost and what our budget allows. That concern deserves a real answer.”
“Things aren’t that bad.” “I understand they may feel different to you. I’m telling you that I’m struggling, and I need us to take that seriously.”

You do not have to agree about how bad things are before you can acknowledge that one of you is hurting.

Step 4 Include yourself in the work

If you can honestly name something you do when the conversation goes wrong, say it.

“When I feel brushed off, I keep pushing. Then you pull away, and I push harder. I want help understanding what happens there, including what I do.”

Taking responsibility for your behavior gives your spouse a clearer picture of what you are asking. It does not require accepting blame for things you did not do. Betrayal, intimidation, and other harmful behavior still require accountability from the person responsible.

Step 5 Make the first step concrete

“Will you go to therapy?” can sound like an open-ended commitment. Try asking for a first appointment, with room to discuss the experience afterward.

“Would you be willing to choose someone with me and go to one appointment? Then we can talk about whether we both felt heard and what continuing would involve.”

One appointment is an introduction, so leave room for the work to take longer. Your spouse can arrive skeptical and say so.

Look through what to expect at your first couples session together. Agree on the therapist, fee, appointment time, and practical arrangements before booking.

Step 6 Put the invitation in writing if talking keeps going badly

A short message can give your spouse time to think. Keep it short enough that the request does not disappear inside the entire history of your marriage.

“I love you, and I’m worried about us. We keep getting stuck when we try to talk, and I’m starting to feel farther away from you. I want us to choose a couples therapist together and try an appointment. I’m willing to look at my part in what happens between us. What would you need to know before considering it?”

Change any wording that does not fit your situation. If you need a different starting point, read these letters to a reluctant spouse.

Step 7 Respond honestly if the answer is still no

Ask whether they are willing to revisit the conversation at a specific time. If they want to work on the relationship without therapy, ask what they are willing to do and when you will check whether it is helping.

You can respect their answer while taking your own needs seriously:

“I hear that you don’t want to go. I’m still struggling, and I need help figuring out what I can do next. I’m going to get support for myself.”

Individual therapy with a provider who offers it can help you think through your needs, limits, and choices. Your spouse’s refusal does not mean you have to keep putting your own distress on hold.

Avoid making threats you do not intend to follow through on. If you are questioning whether you can stay, say that only if it is true and safe to discuss. It is a serious conversation in its own right.

When to seek private support first

If you fear retaliation, threats, violence, or controlling behavior, seek confidential support before trying to persuade your partner to attend. The National Domestic Violence Hotline explains why joint counseling can be unsafe in abusive relationships. A partner’s abuse is their responsibility.

Starting at Radical Relationship Transformation

I’m Shira Hearn, LMFT. I work exclusively with couples, using Emotionally Focused Therapy. You can read how I approach couples work and decide together whether it fits what you are looking for.

Appointments are 90 minutes at $250, in person, with both partners present, at my Webb City office serving the Joplin area.

Contact me about starting. You can also call or text 417-768-9089.