Will a Couples Therapist Take Sides?
Updated: Oct 5
My job as a couples therapist is to understand both of you and help you work on what is happening between you. You should be able to explain your experience, ask questions, and tell me when I have missed something. Hearing both partners does not mean deciding that every problem is equally your fault.
If you are worried that your first appointment will turn into two people explaining why you are the problem, that is worth saying. You do not need to hide that concern to be a good therapy client.
And you do not need to arrive with a closing argument. There is no prize for the better presentation.
Being heard does not mean being agreed with
I can understand why you felt hurt without agreeing with what you did next. I can take your partner’s pain seriously without deciding that your experience does not matter.
That distinction matters when you are already braced for criticism. Hearing me acknowledge your partner’s hurt may feel like I have joined their side. You can say, “I’m worried you’re agreeing with them before you understand what happened for me.” That gives us something important to slow down and discuss.
I use Emotionally Focused Therapy, which pays attention to emotional experience and patterns of interaction. I want to understand what happens when a conversation gets difficult: what each person notices, what it means to them, and what they do next.
Understanding a pattern gives us something to work on. Each person is still responsible for their behavior.
What I am listening for in the first appointment
At the beginning, I need to learn your relationship story. I may listen more and intervene less than I will later, because organizing the conversation too quickly could mean missing something important.
That is not a verdict about whose account I believe. I am trying to understand what brought you in and how each of you experiences the relationship. You can read the fuller overview of what to expect at your first couples session.
You may be worried that your partner explains things better, remembers more details, or stays calmer. Those are concerns you can bring into the room. Being articulate does not make someone’s account complete. Having trouble finding words does not make your experience less important.
You can start with something as simple as: “I have a hard time explaining myself when I think someone is upset with me.” We can start there.
Accountability belongs in the conversation
Looking at what happens between you does not require splitting responsibility down the middle. A hurtful choice needs to be addressed, even when there is a longer relationship history around it.
Here is a hypothetical example: one partner makes a cutting remark during an argument, and the other stops responding. I would want to understand the remark’s impact and what happened as the other partner went quiet. I would not assume that the silence was punishment, that the remark was justified, or that both people caused equal harm.
There are questions to ask before drawing those conclusions. Understanding someone’s distress does not excuse the way they express it.
There is also an important difference between ordinary relationship conflict and abuse. Coercive control, threats, and fear of retaliation cannot be reduced to a communication pattern that both partners need to fix. The National Domestic Violence Hotline explains why couples counseling can be unsafe in an abusive relationship.
If speaking openly could put you at risk, you do not need to disclose that in front of your partner. A domestic violence advocate can help you consider safer ways to get support.
Questions you can bring with you
You do not need a rehearsed speech or a shared explanation of the problem. Complete the requested paperwork, but leave room for the conversation to be imperfect.
Either of you can ask:
How do you help both partners be heard when one talks more?
What should I do if I feel misunderstood or blamed?
How do you address behavior that has hurt one of us?
How will we talk about whether therapy is helping?
It may also help to ask yourself: “What am I afraid will happen here?” Your answer could be more useful than another carefully selected example of what your partner did wrong.
If you are unsure whether therapy will be useful at all, skepticism is something we can talk about too.
Frequently asked questions
What if I feel the therapist has taken my partner’s side?
Name the moment, if you feel able: “When you said that, I felt blamed.” Ask what the therapist understood and explain what was missed. I want you to be able to raise concerns about our work. You do not have to agree with every interpretation I offer.
What if my partner describes something differently?
You can explain your experience without having to settle every disputed detail immediately. Understanding each person’s account matters. So does being clear about specific actions and their impact; different perspectives do not make harmful behavior disappear.
Do we have to agree on the problem before coming?
No. You can arrive with different concerns and different levels of hope. At RRT, both partners attend. Part of the work is understanding what each of you wants help with and discussing goals you are willing to work toward.
A place to begin
I work exclusively with couples using EFT, in person in Webb City, serving the Joplin area. Sessions are 90 minutes at $250. Both partners attend. Sessions are self-pay; insurance is not billed.
Read more about couples therapy at RRT, or contact me to arrange an appointment.
Shira Hearn, LMFT · MO 2022045023 · Radical Relationship Transformation
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If you are ready to get started, Schedule a Couples Therapy Appointment.
Call or text me at 417-768-9089, or email me at shira@radicalrelationshiptransformation.com.
